An essay in this week's New York Times hit close to home. The author, mourning the breakup of a long-term relationship, used Facebook to keep up with what his ex was doing. I've covered this topic before in Tech Dating 101 posts; from using Facebook to get to know a potential date to how and when to change your relationship status. I've even offered my advice for how to cut an ex out of your digital life. He was pretty distraught over the breakup, but still couldn't resist the occasional peek at her page:
"Every once in a while, when I was feeling particularly pathetic, I would log on to her Facebook page and listlessly click through the photos of a life that was, somewhat disappointingly, continuing without me."
While I still feel it's best to avoid an ex on Facebook, especially after a tough breakup, actually pulling the trigger to delete an ex from your list of friends is tough.
Diane von Furstenberg
Yes old ones, but for some reason FB keeps suggesting I write on their walls or "make facebook better for them" how does it know!?
scary...
1I am but I block his updates.. which leads me to believe I should just delete him altogether. I actually added him way after the breakup; we're still very friendly and civil with each other, but that doesn't make us friends I guess. And I admit I can't help but wonder who the heck he's in a relationship with, but being the smart boy he is he didn't put her name down.
2my ex has added a couple times and i've denied him both times. we ended on bad terms and it was just a bad relationship. i'm happy with my current relationship of almost 3 years. i could care less what my ex is doing now.
3I'm friends with a couple of my ex's but they were from years ago, and we ended things as friends. I did have to delete my ex-best friend because I would get mad every time she showed up in my friends box.
4Your friends are not your boyfriends, and your boyfriends are never your friends.
5That's a good reason for me to not include boyfriends in my facebook activity, since mostly I exchange information with very close friends and family.
"Your friends are not your boyfriends, and your boyfriends are never your friends." Well, I know it's that way for some people, but I have never dated (and never would date) someone who wasn't my friend. Though, I don't have to worry much about the "would date" now, as I'm happily married to my best friend.
As for the question about exes, I'm FB friends with my ex, but we broke up years before either of us were on Facebook. Plenty of time for both our lives to change. The time separation between breakup and FB friending makes it easier than it would have been shortly after the breakup.
6I am friends with other ex's on Facebook, but if my current guy and I were to end I never could do it! We have been together way too long and have built a life together! If we were to end I would have to cut all ties with him for a long time until all feelings were gone! My sister is going through this right now. If you have dated and built a life together seeing them happy without you in their life is very hard to deal with, at least for awhile!
7aww that quote is so sad, poor guy.
8No. If me and a girlfriend break up, I get too sad seeing their facebook page.
9I think that if the relationship is over is because something wasn't good... so I believe that there is no point of keep FB friends with the ex. Specially when you have a new person! Forget about the past is the best way to go.
10I'm not FB "friends" with any exes...there's just not really any point if we're not trying to be friends in actual life.
11I am actually "FB friends" with my ex, as well as RL friends. We get along with each other much better now than when we were married. Of course, if we did not share 2 children, we may not have kept in contact with each other at all! But since we do, we make the best of it.
12I think it all depends on how things ended. One of my ex's and I are friends and the other isn't.
13Absolutely, postively not! My first real ex messages me once in a blue moon like when his mom saw me at my job but I refuse to stay in touch with any of them. Too much heartbreak to relive it. My friends are friends with one of my exes (my sister too unfortunately) so sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me but I've been good about it.
14I need the "depends on the ex" option!
15I'm actually friends with nearly everyone I've dated (in fact, one of my best friends is an ex from a serious and recent relationship), so I'm facebook friends with them as well.
There's only one ex-boyfriend (from age 16 and on -- early high school really doesn't count) that I'm not friends with on facebook. One of the main reasons I broke it off with him was that he was the most argumentative person I'd ever met -- and in a really nasty way. We would disagree about something silly and within thirty seconds, he'd have already raised his voice and started throwing out insults that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. Apparently, the fact that I wear makeup makes me insecure, and I'm a controlling b*tch because when he said he was going to cut his hair, I responded by stating that I liked its current state. Needless to say, it ended quickly.
After we broke up, I never initiated contact with him -- after all, no one enjoys being screamed at -- but due to my desire to remain friends with exes, I would respond (albeit not particularly actively) when he contacted me. I tried to remain as non-confrontational as possible, but sure enough, a couple months after the break up, he picked yet another fight with me. The next day, he and all of his friends unfriended me en masse. We're talking a ten minute period. I'm dead serious.
The great irony is that throughout the (less than two month) "relationship" he would repeatedly gripe about how much more mature he was due to being a few years older. Riiiiight.
In all candor, though, I'm really glad he freaked out on me; I loathed talking to him. I felt guilty for not wanting to remain friends with him (I had never felt that way before about an ex) and so I was frankly happy to have an excuse to never talk to him again.
Oh well! It's over with now, and I just celebrated my first anniversary with a wonderful man -- he's sweeter, smarter, more ambitious, more interesting, and of course, not an *sshole. Seriously, if a man screams at you for no particular reason, dump his sorry ass. Don't be nice and give him the benefit of the doubt -- a real man will never yell at you like that.
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